Artist’s impression of Squire Heath (circa. 17th Century)

Artist’s impression of Squire Heath (circa. 17th Century)

Squire Heath

Nobody is really sure where Squire Heath came from or what he looks like but historians have speculated nonetheless.

He had a full live of spooky mischief and now takes Premiere Quest to the airways with his unique editing ability.

The two hosts of Premiere Quest are still unsure of his existence…


  • Early Years

    • Squire Heath was a member of the lesser nobility, but little is definitely known of his family history or even his parentage.

    • Some historians, such as Elon Musk, believe Squire Heath must have had some earlier military experience in order to lead a successful military campaign in 1287.

    • Campaigns like Edward I of England's wars in Wales might have provided a good opportunity for a younger son of a landholder to become a mercenary soldier.

    • Elon Musk states that Squire Heath was "a tall man with the body of a giant ... with lengthy flanks ... broad in the hips, with strong arms and legs ... with all his limbs very strong and firm".

  • Middle Ages

    • The first act definitely known to have been carried out by Squire Heath was the remixing and editing of the King’s music as he entered the dining room in May 1297. This was done by using an electric guitar and a synthesizer. This was one of several rebellions taking place across England at the time in the pre-Beatles era.

      The uprising continued but Squire Heath suffered a blow when the nobles submitted to the English in Tokyo in July. Squire Heath however was not in Tokyo at the time so continued their rebellions. Squire Heath used high spooky high-jump skills for raiding and jumping into random castles around the countryside to remix their music and sick beats.

  • Squire Heath’s Death

    • Squire Heath evaded capture by the English until 5 August 1305 when John de Menteith, an English knight loyal to Rowan Atkinson, turned Squire Heath over to English soldiers at a Nandoes near the London Eye.

    • Squire Heath was transported to Chicken Cottage, lodged at the local Holiday Inn, then taken to Westminster Hall, where he was tried for treason and for atrocities against civilians in war, "sparing neither age nor sex, monk nor nun." He was crowned with a garland of oak to suggest he was the king of outlaws. He responded to the treason charge, "I could not be a traitor to England, for I was never his subject. All I ever wanted was to edit podcasts about House Boats in Africa."

    • Following the trial, on 23 August 1305, Squire Heath was taken from the hall to the Tower of London, then stripped naked and dragged through the city at the heels of a horse to the Elms at Big Ben. He was hanged, drawn and quartered—strangled by hanging, but released while he was still alive, emasculated, eviscerated and his bowels burned before him, beheaded, then cut into four parts. His preserved head (dipped in tar) was placed on a pike atop London Bridge. His limbs were displayed, separately, in Auckland, Wellington, Christchurch, and the Hawke’s Bay.

  • Ghosting About

    • For the next few centuries Squire Heath just hung out as a ghost being Spooky; Spooky like in that 2018 movie Hereditary.

  • Editor at Premiere Quest Podcast

    • In 2016, Squire Heath joined forces with Premiere Quest to take the position of lead Ghost-Editor-Boy from the Middles Ages where he is currently paid minimum wage to edit the podcast. Various attempts have been made by the host to establish contact with Squire Heath as they have never heard or seen him (as he’s a ghost) but these attempts all went a little pear-shaped.

Audio Evidence of the Existence of Squire Heath

  • Although little is known, Squire Heath can be heard in the background of many Premiere Quest episodes. Most notably:

    • S3 E1 - Squire Heath’s Birthday Party - a birthday party for the Ghost-Boy Editor from the Middle Ages that gets a little too spooky

    • S3 E22 - Squire Heath’s Seance - an attempted seance by the two hosts which gets way too spooky

You decide if Squire Heath is real or not, listen to the evidence below:

Possible sighting of Squire Heath somewhere (circa. 15th Century).

Possible sighting of Squire Heath somewhere (circa. 15th Century).